Handling Conflict and Forgiveness with Grace

We all have conflict in our lives. Our human nature causes misinterpretations, assumptions, a tendency to only see from our own perspective, and makes us all prone to talk more than we listen. Even worse, once in the middle of conflict, we tend to only listen long enough to formulate a response and may or may not wait for the other person to finish before we blurt out our counter argument. All our negative habits, fears or insecurities can get the better of us and that’s the way Satan likes it! But what does God have to say about it?

Just like everyone else, I have had my share of conflicts with people in my life. And a lot of times it is the people you are closest to, which makes the conflict even more emotionally charged. These moments have convicted me to take a hard look at myself and see what God needs me to learn from these conflicts. I strive to be an open and honest person, but with that I have had to learn how to carefully navigate my words. I’ve learned how sharing my honesty is all well and fine, but I need to be more open to others sharing their perspective, while I provide more grace and forgiveness.

Stopping It Before It Start

John 13:34 (NIV) says “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” First and foremost, we are called to love. Not just who we want to love or those we feel like loving. We are called to love ALL! That includes our friends, families, enemies and those who make us mad. We are also called to keep peace. Matthew chapter 5 says “Blessed are the peacemakers”. However, I do want to clarify that loving people and keeping peace, in my humble opinion, does not equate to avoiding the uncomfortable conversations about things that are on your heart. God does reveal things to us that need to be shared and said for a purpose. Allowing feelings to fester is not healthy and holding onto things contaminates your heart. Prayerfully take your burden to God, and ask him how to proceed before approaching someone with a concern you have on your heart.

Addressing Conflict When Needed

If you have something on your heart and mind that you believe God is asking you to bring to someone, proceed with caution. Proverbs 14:29 (ESV) says “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly”, so make sure you are not proceeding with anger in your heart. Consider these thoughts beforehand:

(1) Talk to them and only them

(2) Express your concern while humbly acknowledging that they also have a perspective that you want to hear to help resolve the conflict.

(3) Both express your perspectives and concerns. Then BOTH apologize. Yes, both! Because I have never had a conflict where I was perfect and did not have something to apologize for. Without mutual apologies no true resolution can be reached.

(4) Develop a compromised solution or plan to set boundaries and expectations you are both comfortable with.

Now, I know what you are thinking. What if that does not work? Sometimes it doesn’t. Remember, we are all humans and flawed. Like our spiritual journey with Christ, we are all at different places of maturity as it relates to conflict resolutions. And depending on the reason for the conflict there may be a very deep wound or cycle of hurt. However, this is what I have learned: It does take both sides to willingly complete conflict resolution, but you can always give forgiveness. And that is exactly what we are called to do. Colossians 3:13 (NIV) says “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” It’s not always easy and one of the biggest myths about forgiveness is that once you forgive someone those feelings will magically disappear; they will not. Forgiveness is a daily decision to call upon the strength of the Lord to give grace and mercy to someone else the way he did for us. So, we have to pray for a heart of forgiveness continuously. Pray that, someday, in God’s timing, that the unresolved conflict can be resolved.

Our human nature constantly creates a battle in our lives, creating conflict with others. We all face it in our lives. And Satan loves to use it as a tool for his purposes. But while our natural instincts tend to make us want to escalate conflict or avoid it because it’s uncomfortable, it always seems to find us in the end. So, let’s work to be better with it:

(1) Show love continually to ward off conflicts related to someone feeling a lack of love.

(2) Keep the peace if possible and don’t intentionally escalate a situation.

(3) If conflict still finds you, approach it with grace and mercy not anger.

(4) If conflict resolution cannot be met: forgive.

"Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Ephesians 4:3, NIV

Casey Wayne

Monthly Contributor